I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
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Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
What’s a Messi?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay