2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
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“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I know karate and tons of other words.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*