Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

Are these grass-fed oranges?

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp