[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
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[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I am, perchance
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory