Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
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me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Wednesday
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?