I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
#parenting
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
#StillHurts