I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
A small tragedy.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The Weeknd is back
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.