Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

My current situation

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

THIS HEADLINE

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.