“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Life is a suicide mission.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Everyone’s family
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more