Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–