who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
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*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.