[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.