wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
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Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’m sure it’s fine.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no