10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
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Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*