t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.