Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
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Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”