Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
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[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
LOL
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then