What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what