Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now