If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
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isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Finished stitching this today 😇
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STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.