If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
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I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
This pepper has seen some shit
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.