My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
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[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
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My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
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(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.