Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
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Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?