[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.