[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
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Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Awesome parenting 😂
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.