I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
You Might Also Like
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
doing some research
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done