*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
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“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts