Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
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Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then