*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
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Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.