Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
You Might Also Like
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?