[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open