three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
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Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.