three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
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Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
concern
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I WON A HAM TODAY
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though