Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
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I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Writing, She Murdered.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”