Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
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Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Happy thanksgiving
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???