“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
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Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.