I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
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[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.