“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.