Aladdin: 馃幎I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
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(2022)
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me, flirting馃槒
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It鈥檚 the other one, not my cookie tummy
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who鈥檚 your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he鈥檚 the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I鈥檓 not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.