Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

I feel seen.

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.