Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
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Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
S O O N
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
This made me smile…
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
OKAY DAD
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011