Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”