My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
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I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂