Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
How dramatic are you?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.