Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Just say no
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.