I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
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So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.