So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
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In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Bruh PLEASE
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!