It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
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YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.