YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
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JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.