Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
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[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
me irl
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.