dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
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Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin