Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Ion see the issue
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.