Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Golf would be better with landmines.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah