a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
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I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Oops