Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN