I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
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Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.